CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?