I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
RT if you could go either way.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.