I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.