Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I’ve been drinking.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
awkward
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.