Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.