*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.