*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
cats when you pet them too long:
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My biological clock is wheezing.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”