*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.