*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
work smarter, not harder
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.