Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
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Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Dune (2021)
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty