Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My god she’s good.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I love it all
Boy never ceases to amaze me
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.