The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?