I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
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Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
When he asks for feet pics
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I