Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
You Might Also Like
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?