@EJGomez: james[jesus' brother]: i need off my bro passed away boss: gotcha man [3 days later] james: i need off my brothers in town boss: now hold on

@pondermymaker: Turns out the symptoms for "mild heart attack" are identical to those of "having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications"

@FrenulumBreve: Executioner: final words? Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Er: you done? Ee: didn't buy me as much time as I thought actually.

@Marcmywords2: Hey dad, the hospital called, patients are trying to rest, could you please turn down your television.

@rockymomax: [before sex] HER: did you bring protection? ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*