[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”