@ceejoyner: Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

@bea_ker: [2025] Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous *the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*

@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.

@causticbob: Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist] He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.