[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
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Just got to our Airbnb!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
no cat here
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.