[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
lmao
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics