[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
my retirement plan is braless
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware