[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
the official breakfast of 2021
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …