*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u