#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Meow
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Lmaoo 😂
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.