[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I get distracted pretty eas
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)