[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
⛄️
what’s really going on
Writing, She Murdered.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.