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@iamspacegirl: [creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
@bourgeoisalien: I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
@semple42: I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she's gonna be pissed.
@curlycomedy: If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what's weird about it.
@mrtruthandsoul: Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
@drunktweets81: I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.