[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling