My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
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Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
🛁
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.