[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Pretty much. 🤣
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.