[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
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Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Brb my Sims are getting married
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
canadian assassins are called killergrams
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.