Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.