Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Y’all know who you are.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Always…
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁