Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
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[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: