[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe