Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Beware of fowl play.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.