Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
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6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.