Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.