@boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.
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@david8hughes: [in class] Me: hey, can I borrow a pen? Guy: sure, black or blue? Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
@spicy_peen: How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
@SondraDeeMe: [first date] ME: I'm from a broken home. HIM: When did your parents divorce? ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.