When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.