All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
The struggle is real
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I’m not proud
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it