PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
A new level of troll.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”