When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?