[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing