[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
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they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
New comic up. “Ransom”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.