Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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New mindset, who dis?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Monday
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign