[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside