What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
The only equipped I am is ill.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.