criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands