If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
so much to do
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.