Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again