Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Erm…
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock