Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.