Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Dance like you’re not the father
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford